Saturday, 23 July 2011
ME, MYSELF AND FEEXA ...
I think I am in the right mood to write tonight. I was watching 'The Time Traveler's Wife" on HBO. It was my 2nd time watching it and both time I was crying. It was quite a sad movie...though I know no one who can time travel, this movie is so recommended for people with feelings (duh!). It sounded weird but I was seldom seen crying in public. Some may call it tough but it was my surviving technique! I never liked to show my emotion in public so I cried and reminisced during sad movies!
Well, this is what I have been reminiscing and analysing ...I have stopped thinking about the future quite some time ago. I only lived for the present moment and tried to do the best I could do everyday (At times may not be the best when I got into a zombie lazy mode!) . Some may think I am lacking in ambitions (for they think striving for money and status is a must!) ... but then again, I never ' in want' for a bigger car, or a bigger house or a big diamond or lots of money. I just dont know how to... I dont want to be the best or the fastest. All I wanted is just to be me. (That was the thing I strive so hard)
I have done good in wanting to be just me. I have done that all my life... At the time when all my school mates went on to search for their dreams to be among the acceptable professional high-flyers, I went flying too but as an 'Air Stewardess' and left a good job as a Project Assistant in Tokyo. No I didnt plan it. It just happened. I know some of you may think 'aah an air stewardess! a high class waitress or a flying prostitute' but that was because you didnt get the chance to do that! (Because people said bad things like that when they couldnt have it!) But those were the best years of my life! I went around the world, jet setting, plenty of money and NO! I didnt become a flying prostitute! I was nice and full of integrity. See? If I cared what people said, I wouldnt experience anything at all.
Fast forward, I quit being an air stewardess to be a mother. Ahhh my life is like a movie. Full of surprises. I did things on impulse! At one point of my life I became a single mother with two little daughters. Life has been decided for me. They were my priority. Never mind I was still young at that time. I did it my way. I created a name on TV, I became a Yoga Icon. Not many people knew my griefs as a single mother because I told no one except some very close friends. I refused pity, I refused anyone who wanted to treat me differently. I moved like a ghost - so quite like the wind. People only know my success story but no one seen when I grieved. They were many happy times though! I discovered many things about me , I discovered I was stronger than I thought. My children were my anchor. I couldnt be irresponsible because I hold the 'amanah' from God.
I wasnt perfect at all. I made many, many mistakes. I couldnt afford to pretend to be somebody I wasnt. At one point of time I didnt have anything much so do you understand now when I said materials and money mean nothing much because it didnt mean anything to me as at that time I was too busy keeping my children and me safe.
Fast forward that, I built a business. I was a 'taiko'. Building my dream, the yoga studio and a business that came from a fantasy. I did it my way again! But, I learnt certain thinga the hard way again! . It wasnt easy handling business. My life wasn't mine anymore. So I moved on to do the things I love.
Nowadays, I am blessed with my husband Peter, the children and the cats. To me having Peter and my family (the cats too) worth everything I have gone through. I got the second chance of happiness. Well, I still don't have much. I refused to spend all my time making money even though the business I am in right now is quite lucrative if I put my everything there !But I rethink my priorities. To others, small things mean nothing but to me it means everything!
I treasure all the small things because I used to live without them and it wasn't really pleasant. Nowadays, I am just truly grateful for Allah and his mercy and forgiveness.
I personally think success didn't just come in the form of money, positions or materials. It also come in many areas in life. I gave a talk for a group of people last week on 'The Art of Yoga'. I felt on top of the world when they came up and said it was a wonderful talk and that I brought light to the room! I beamed when my yoga students marveled on how their life improved positively learning from me. Yes, all the good and bad experiences make me a good counselor today. I can read your birth date too. Without meaning to feed my ego, I am a quite sought after numerologist and Yoga Specialist. (That came from testimonies, I didn't make that up)
Sometimes things just got hard and it was harder to remind myself of my blessings but I tried to remember them always ... I started the street feeding program with my husband few years ago as my thanks to God and as a reminder of how blessed my life is and naturally feels very sad when the program was hijacked by people who became too greedy with their own agenda and ego . ahh well let them be!
I have made known of who I am to some people who matters. That I am just a human being and not perfect in many ways. I am aware there will always be someone better than me so I surrender to Allah and his glory because I am just one of his many creations and to have him sometimes paying attention to me and the gifts he has bestowed on me make me humbled. It is enough to be just happy to be me...and I forgive myself for my imperfection! I may not be the best, the fittest, the richest, the strongest but WHO IS?